~[Tears]~~[Love]~
I threw myself on my bed. My face was wet, tear tracks clearly seen. I couldn't stop crying. Every thought of mine stabbed me deeper, causing my tear to flow like a broken damp. I'm afraid that I will go There, where he will not belong. Out of love, I cried!
I prayed so hard, pleading LORD to answer my questions:" Where were You when I needed You to defend me?! Where were You?! Have You forsaken me? Have You forgot what You promised?!" Doubts struck me hard enough, hard enough to crush my tiny faith, frayed into pieces.
"Yea! Maybe he is right about You! You are just some lies told by some idiots! The so-called You Words is just a stupid book written by some nothing-to-do people. Why did I trust in You in the beginning? Shouldn't even have known You in the first place. Who am I praying to? To You or to something imaginative and doesn't even exist?! Talk to me! TELL ME!"
"Who am I to You?! Your child You said. But will a Father not defend His children when they need? Will a Father not talking to His own children?"
I immersed myself under the shower, trying to cool myself down to get a clearer picture. I was too weak, not even able to stand on my own feet. In my room, I couldn't stand, I knelt, I prayed, I cried. In my bathroom, I knelt before God, in the state where God first created Adam, naked, I prayed, I cried. I was wet, by both water and tear.
With doubt, with guilt, with tear, I slept, ignoring messages sent by the one I love. I was just too week to speak, nor to reply a message.
I didn't want to go school, I couldn't even concentrate. My eyes were swollen. I walked like a zombie, my normal smiles and laughter turned away from me. My mind wondered around. I couldn't even remember what I encountered along my way to school.
I couldn't even feel her when she's around (normally I can sense her, I pretend I can't.). I couldn't smile when I see her (I always smile no matter what whenever I see her, I pretend to be emo sometimes). What's worse, I pushed her away. Deeply hurt her. Hurt me too. Ya, it does hurt. I regret.
In the House of The LORD, I did not go for the early prayer as usual (It's chapel period). I just couldn't face God. I loitered around, stopped by a wall. My heavy tears broke away from my eyes, but quickly wiped off by me. My doubts struck me again. Later when I enter the Church again, that was when Pastor Daniel tried to talk to me, but I was too weak to open my lips. That was when I pushed her away when she tried to show me God's Word, I called it "bloody book".
Chaplin gave her sermon today, it was her turn. By those words, I was impacted, thinking back how foolish, useless, unfaithful I was in the past 11 hours. She said we, probably referring to me, are expecting wrong things from God. Yes, I am.
Sorry LORD, forgive me! For all the stupid, nonsense things I did in the last 11 hours! I'm sorry LORD, for doubting You, for insulting You, for being foolish.
Before God, I completely broke down. Chaplin came to the comfort, triggered my tears, as if she had pulled a piece of stone out of the damp and the damp collapsed. Before God's altar, she prayed for me as I cried my heart out. I exchanged my tears for God in my heart, in my mind, to comfort me, to protect me.
I'm sorry LORD! I love You! I will praise You continuously! For You are great! I kneel before You, humbling myself, and serve You with tears.
I was relieved, continue to have joy with my LORD.
Psalm 42:3 [My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"]
Acts 20:19 [I served the Lord with great humility and with tears,......]
I thank Chaplin for her prayer and comfort, Pastor Daniel for his attempt to comfort me, the one I love for encouraging me over and over again, Pn. Chong for her encouragement, guidance & revelation of truth, to those who came to comfort. Thank all of you for your concern. And most of all, I thank God for helping me through the time of doubt, for forgiving me, for impacting me, for His plan for me, for all the people He sent for me! Praise the LORD!
I hereby say sorry to those I hurt during these 11 hours, to the one I love for pushing her away, to my mum who worried about me, to my father, the cause of all tears and sorrow and love, and most of all, to my LORD whom I doubted and insulted. I'm sorry! Blame me!
I prayed so hard, pleading LORD to answer my questions:" Where were You when I needed You to defend me?! Where were You?! Have You forsaken me? Have You forgot what You promised?!" Doubts struck me hard enough, hard enough to crush my tiny faith, frayed into pieces.
"Yea! Maybe he is right about You! You are just some lies told by some idiots! The so-called You Words is just a stupid book written by some nothing-to-do people. Why did I trust in You in the beginning? Shouldn't even have known You in the first place. Who am I praying to? To You or to something imaginative and doesn't even exist?! Talk to me! TELL ME!"
"Who am I to You?! Your child You said. But will a Father not defend His children when they need? Will a Father not talking to His own children?"
I immersed myself under the shower, trying to cool myself down to get a clearer picture. I was too weak, not even able to stand on my own feet. In my room, I couldn't stand, I knelt, I prayed, I cried. In my bathroom, I knelt before God, in the state where God first created Adam, naked, I prayed, I cried. I was wet, by both water and tear.
With doubt, with guilt, with tear, I slept, ignoring messages sent by the one I love. I was just too week to speak, nor to reply a message.
I didn't want to go school, I couldn't even concentrate. My eyes were swollen. I walked like a zombie, my normal smiles and laughter turned away from me. My mind wondered around. I couldn't even remember what I encountered along my way to school.
I couldn't even feel her when she's around (normally I can sense her, I pretend I can't.). I couldn't smile when I see her (I always smile no matter what whenever I see her, I pretend to be emo sometimes). What's worse, I pushed her away. Deeply hurt her. Hurt me too. Ya, it does hurt. I regret.
In the House of The LORD, I did not go for the early prayer as usual (It's chapel period). I just couldn't face God. I loitered around, stopped by a wall. My heavy tears broke away from my eyes, but quickly wiped off by me. My doubts struck me again. Later when I enter the Church again, that was when Pastor Daniel tried to talk to me, but I was too weak to open my lips. That was when I pushed her away when she tried to show me God's Word, I called it "bloody book".
Chaplin gave her sermon today, it was her turn. By those words, I was impacted, thinking back how foolish, useless, unfaithful I was in the past 11 hours. She said we, probably referring to me, are expecting wrong things from God. Yes, I am.
Sorry LORD, forgive me! For all the stupid, nonsense things I did in the last 11 hours! I'm sorry LORD, for doubting You, for insulting You, for being foolish.
Before God, I completely broke down. Chaplin came to the comfort, triggered my tears, as if she had pulled a piece of stone out of the damp and the damp collapsed. Before God's altar, she prayed for me as I cried my heart out. I exchanged my tears for God in my heart, in my mind, to comfort me, to protect me.
I'm sorry LORD! I love You! I will praise You continuously! For You are great! I kneel before You, humbling myself, and serve You with tears.
I was relieved, continue to have joy with my LORD.
Psalm 42:3 [My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"]
Acts 20:19 [I served the Lord with great humility and with tears,......]
I thank Chaplin for her prayer and comfort, Pastor Daniel for his attempt to comfort me, the one I love for encouraging me over and over again, Pn. Chong for her encouragement, guidance & revelation of truth, to those who came to comfort. Thank all of you for your concern. And most of all, I thank God for helping me through the time of doubt, for forgiving me, for impacting me, for His plan for me, for all the people He sent for me! Praise the LORD!
I hereby say sorry to those I hurt during these 11 hours, to the one I love for pushing her away, to my mum who worried about me, to my father, the cause of all tears and sorrow and love, and most of all, to my LORD whom I doubted and insulted. I'm sorry! Blame me!
Ur entire post is so touching..Anyway,what i need to say is, just remember that the Lord always keeps his promises.ALWAYS. If He says He will never leave you nor forsake you, it means he never ever will.
ReplyDeleteI believe this episode in ur life serves to develop u in faith and maturity,and ultimately,whatever God wants u to be.Rejoice in every circumtsances!
OK! Enuf of my lectures!
take care!=D