That Sea Raging in Me

Even as I'm writing this, I am so tempted to pretend everything is alright going on in me. As this may be read by people, a great part of me wants to pretend that everything is going alright. But if I am to be real, I need to stop pretending that I am okay with all that comes crashing on me.

I think I've been told so many times that I should keep my anger and pride in check, I begin to believe that I have no right to feel angry. I must put up the kind, compassionate, gentle side of me even when within me, my anger rages. I'm supposed to swallow all the "unloading" people give me.

Why does it feel like I am constantly the one who is at fault: that I'm not gentle enough, not respectful enough, not humble enough, not wise enough, not compassionate enough? That I must be gentle, be wise, be respectful, even when I am accused, wronged and misunderstood?

Why? Do I have no right to express the first emotion that comes to me? Do I have no right to be happy? Do I have no right to deal with all the frustrations given by people around me in ways that comforts me the most? Do I have no right to comfort and happiness?

Am I the one that move too fast? Or is it just the rest of you moving too slow? Am I the one to blame when all the rest of you refuse to learn and to be better? Am I the one to blame when no one would see a problem and proactively rise to the occasion?

I'm not superman, I never thought I am. I don't want to think that I'm the best out of everyone else. I'm just one that refuse to give up or step back in the face of intimidating problems and challenges, but would brave the learning curve and stay ahead.

But everyone else refuse to see that time is fleeting: we let opportunities to do great things slip us by because we let fear governs our heart and dictates our future.

Oh yes, I'm angry. Mostly disappointment.

Hey, I deserve to be happy too. 

So maybe this time, I should walk away and focus on my own needs. The world doesn't need me anyway, for the Earth will not stand still in my absence, I shall think myself no greater than the speck of dust that I always am.

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Above all else, God remains true. He is still the God that loves me in the past, in the present and forevermore. So it is in God that I shall find my refuge and comfort. In Him I shall find the calm to my raging sea, and my willingness to surrender my flaws to be molded and shaped.

Psalm 118:8 "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man."

Proverbs 25:28 "A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls."

Proverbs 16:18 "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall."