MDJ 23 Oct 2012

By -
ODB 23 Oct 2012
The journey back from workshop was a terribly long one. Lamentation 3:15,17&18 best describe my feeling:" He has filled me with bitter herbs and given me gall to drink......I have been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is. So I say:' My splendor is gone and all I had hoped from the Lord."

I really wished my dad would love me the way he loves others. As I was talking to my mom and she tells me all that my dad suffered outside my house, she also tells me the sentimental part of my dad whom sound strange to me.

The cheezy, loving, gentle dad is not the dad that I know. Ever since young I'm dying to live out to be a son after his heart, but it never seems enough. Even that lazy, worthless uncle of mine seems to get more defending praise than I do. I really don't know what my dad is expecting of me, the impossible?

The sole reason why I would be jealous of my sister ever since young was because dad praises her even if she's not trying. I really want a dad that loves me like that.

All that I could find comfort in a Fatherly figure that I want is from the Lord "because His compassion fail not." But He has been harsh on me too. I could pretend all day I'm alright, but I'm at the brink of snapping here. With things all piling up, all that I want to do is running away or sleeping it off. Well, I want to just sleep forever.

But I'll hang on, because beyond all these I see how both my fathers love me. And to these love I will hang on, because when the whole worls betrays me, thesew two big guys are going to be there for me.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

If I Had Walked Away

By -
Image
Reflecting my past two and a half years in Li Xin Baptist Church, I can't help but wonder what would happened if I had walked away. It was an easy choice to make, LXBC was at her low point: members leaving the church, some considering to leave, worship team was in a mess, the spirit of worship was nowhere to be found, suspicion among members. I was new in town and working across the bridge. It would have been much easier if I had chosen to attend a church nearer to where I stay and easier for me to practice my faith. Pastor Matthew and Ai Hua at my graduation Yet I stayed. In hindsight, I don't think I made that choice on my own. God placed me here and I somehow had the heart and courage to say: this is where I will stay. While I'm glad I did, but it would have saved me from so much trouble and discomfort. My First Mission to Thailand with LXBC But if I had walked away, I think... 1. I would have missed the opportunity to allow God to mold me in my charact
Read more

That Sea Raging in Me

By -
Image
Even as I'm writing this, I am so tempted to pretend everything is alright going on in me. As this may be read by people, a great part of me wants to pretend that everything is going alright. But if I am to be real, I need to stop pretending that I am okay with all that comes crashing on me. I think I've been told so many times that I should keep my anger and pride in check, I begin to believe that I have no right to feel angry. I must put up the kind, compassionate, gentle side of me even when within me, my anger rages. I'm supposed to swallow all the "unloading" people give me. Why does it feel like I am constantly the one who is at fault: that I'm not gentle enough, not respectful enough, not humble enough, not wise enough, not compassionate enough? That I must be gentle, be wise, be respectful, even when I am accused, wronged and misunderstood? Why? Do I have no right to express the first emotion that comes to me? Do I have no right to be hap
Read more

November? No, Remember! Part 4

By -
Image
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 5. Project Kwam Wang - Sabaidee, Laos! I don't think I can ever say this enough: Laos is an unforgettable nation, mainly because of the unforgettable journey that God had taken me through. The initial idea was to paint a school building in Vientiane, but imagine our shock when the team saw a building with 2-walled rooms. Instead of complaining, the team quickly came together to lay bricks and cement. 5 days later, we have classrooms with 4 walls and whole school of happy children. The highlight of the trip came later. To catch our flight in Lua Prabang, we took a 6-hour bus ride into Vang Vien, a magical, spectacular heaven-on-earth. The 2-hour tubing experience to enjoy the peace and scenic view of Vang Vien mountain range, the lovely morning breakfast with a morning sunshine and green mountains. It was a great time of serenity and reflection. Then another 6 hours of bus ride across the mountain into Lua Prabang. Tasted on
Read more