Stop Fighting!

I know this sounds scary but I think I had a depression during Camp Cam 15, so bad that I was emotionally crushed.

THE EXPERIENCE:

I must admit that that was not the first time. It happened many times before, but I somehow had my ways of shutting it off.

It was particularly scary because I heard phantom voices that I know didn't exist. It was all in my head. These voices are constantly accusing me: Why are you so weak? Why are you so fickle minded? Why are you not doing anything, you lazy fella? Why are you so clumsy and stupid? Look at other people, they can play guitar better than you, sing better than you, smarter than you, why do you even think that anyone would like you? etc.

Every time I look at someone, I can actually hear that someone is accusing me of something: why is he so weird? Joash is giving me trouble again.

A part of me consciously know that it isn't real and true, but a bigger part of me actually believe that that's what other people think about me. It was painful.

I couldn't stay silent. How can I? These are voices that have been there for a long time but I've been drowning them with fun and noises. And when I am forced to be silent, these voices will come attacking me again. 7 hours of silent Selah, was nothing but a pain and torture for me.

THE ENCOUNTER:

But I believe this is what God is asking me to look at and to deal with. 7 hours of silent Selah helped me to identify the very fear that I had been trying to suppress. He made me look at each and every one of them, and He wants to take it all from me.

After talking to Grandma Grace, I decided to do what's necessary: to list down all these voices, and then to commit that to God. I did it the next day during my off-day. I woke up early and I went into the Peniel (prayer room). What I did not expect, was God's perfect way of addressing my pain.

As I list down those voices, I felt an intense stirring in my heart because I am struggling to fight that fear. Whenever I find myself not in peace, I open to my favourite Psalm 46: I did not expect God to speak to me so differently in this psalm. I read Psalm 46 in Good News version:

As I read it, I saw a picture of myself standing in the middle of battlefield. I was alone as my enemies are launching stones and arrows at me, some were swinging their swords at me. I was fending off each and every attack. I missed many of them, and I am tired, weary and injured. Then suddenly I saw a tower of brick descended upon me. I climbed up the tower and continued fighting.

And I heard a loud command that says "STOP FIGHTING!" I ceased as I saw all the bows and arrows were shattered and broken. Each arrow coming at me would stop and break halfway. They can never get to me. Then I hear it again, gently this time: "Stop fighting! You know that I'm God. See, I can break arrows and swords and shield. Listen, I roar and shout and all your enemies trembles in fear. I am Your God, so stop and leave it all for Me, I will defend you!" Hearing this, I stop and I rested.

MY RESPONSE:

I realised that this God that I insist to follow and to serve is very interested to have my everything, my whole being. I had been offering the best of me, but He's also demanding the worst and the weakest of me. He's interested to transform my life completely. And He is going to be that strong tower that defends me.

So I took the list and I knelt in front of the cross in Peniel, I asked God to take all these voices and break each and every one of them because I don't know how I can defeat them. I gave up holding back my weaknesses from God and gave up everything. I told God: "This is my everything! You already have the best of me, now take the worst of me as well." I tore the list into pieces and laid it in the tray right in front of the cross. As I did it, there was pain and shame. After all, I'm asking God to look at my weaknesses as if I am naked. But in that sense of pain comes a sense of relief.

The voices are gone. There were pure silence. And I sighed relief.

I walked out of Peniel, with "a river that brings joy to the city of God, to the sacred house of the Most High. God is in that city, and it will never be destroyed; at early dawn he will come to its aid." (Psalm 46:4-5 GNT)

God's Character, My Encounter.