Countering Counterfeit Gods
This one-month semester break had been good to me. Despite reversed biological clock, where I sleep at 4am, wakes up at 12pm, there's so much I've learn over the time. Boy-girl relationships, marriage, sex, lust, law of attraction, fate, predestination and idolatry. But perhaps the best I've learnt so far, is fundamentally idolatry.
It seems idolatry has been the root of all sin. Ever wonder why the first commandment from God deals with idolatry? It was obviously the most fundamental sin of all, and if it's not dealt properly, even the most faithful servant of God may fall short. It was idolatry that caused Adam and Eve to have desired the fruit of knowledge of good and evil. It was idolatry that caused this world spins around crazily.
But today I'm not gonna judge anyone else but myself, although I have. After finish reading this book, I started to wonder who is the first person who really should read this book, and then I realized, I can't decide the priority, because EVERYONE NEEDS TO DEAL WITH IDOLATRY.
The second thing that rose on my mind was, which counterfeit god has done what damage to which stage of my life, and then it all made sense to me. I was nonetheless an idol worshipper from day 1 to now.
I don't have to mention much, toys were my idols during kindergarten, I always have wanted some toys my parents couldn't afford, so badly.
But it was from primary school that my counterfeit gods start to take over my life. My talents in absorbing knowledge was tremendously well, I actually scored full marks for all my paper in Standard 1. That was the first time I tasted Praise, Significance and Success, and I love it. But I gotta stay on top, otherwise everything will be in ruin. Being positioned into elite class, I realized competition just got harder, but I still want to be notice. I wanted everyone to know who is Mock Kar Wai and how popular his is, or...I am.
Popularity isn't the only thing I want so badly, I wanted approval and significance before my parents and my family. Rising academically excellent gives me the approval and significance. I wanted praises, I wanted love, for the beginning of my Standard 2, I was morally upright. My family loves me because I had been the good son in the family, and I love being noticed.
You really looked cool and funny when you can swear vulgarity. Being a morally upright in school doesn't grant you popularity, so I started swearing to be noticed. You can't imagine how vulgar I was in school. And then when I get home, I'm totally another person. I remain bright and active, but my mother had no idea, how bad my mouth is in school until one day my teacher caught me swearing and gave us writing penalty.
I still gotta stay on top academically, and my talent gives me that edge. Then, I grew proud. I catch things fast, so I was given special immunity to sleep in tuition classes and everyone, including teacher think I'm the top student, which in fact I was, but I think I'm God in the tuition class.
I've got the talent to sing, and it puts me on stage where everyone sees me. I love being noticed. I didn't care I was only getting 5th place or best 4th place, as long as I get a prize and everyone sees me. I had been in that competition for all 6 years. But standard 5 was the year I felt most threatened. LSV, a new guy came to my class. A cute, gentle boy with an awesome voice. His presence in my class threatened me and when I did not get a prize for Standard 5, my anger burnt against him. I want to give him a misery of his life. I started disturbing him, bullying him and teasing him. His mum repeatedly came and warned me not to bully his son, but it only motivates me to tease him more as a "mama's boy" (LOL I wasn't much of a difference as a mama's boy). Until it get serious, I hid his dictionary, which the loss of dictionary would have cost him serious punishment from teacher, and I liked the idea. But, a little devil of justice found out and reported it to teacher. I was humiliated terribly I cried like mama's boy. I hated LSV even more.
My high academic achievement gives me what I want. Popularity, significance and pride. I had always thought I'm a straight A student, no doubt and no one doubted. 6A1B in UPSR gave me a shock of my life, I was completely defeated, I felt like a failure and I hated the disappointment on my mother's face. I did not mention the love for my mother became absolute and it had been pushing me to excel academically. It became my pursuit and I would do ANYTHING to pursue it.
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I had been like a popular guy in primary school, but with a heart of defeat I entered secondary school. I had to build everything from the start. I need to be notice, and I want to reclaim the glory I've lost in UPSR. This time, I don't only aim for straight A, I want people to bow down and obey me. I wanted control!
"The hierarchy in scout movement would definitely gives me power." I thought to myself. But, I'm only Form 1 and power doesn't come in a day. I first need to build my reputation and impression. I became active in 10th KL. It gave me a purpose to wake up early on a Saturday morning and miss all the cartoon shows on NTV7.
Power, is something I pursued so badly, I submitted myself to pain and humiliation. I needed to be accepted, I needed to be approved and popular. Then, I began telling obscenity, something a growing up kid would like to hear. Making people laugh at dirty jokes had always been something that I thought could give me that popularity. Beside, I start working and striving hard at things so that I stand up among many scouts, doing things and achieving things that other cannot achieve. I thought, being superior in abilities, talents and athletic attributes would grant me power over others. I set my eyes upon the Troop Leader position, the highest that I can achieve as a Boy Scout.
I couldn't believe that everything I've done that I thought would put me at the top is the very thing that fails me. It was a democratic election for the Troop Leader position. I was so angry when the rest of the Patrol Leaders mentioned that I'm not fit to be a TL for the fact that I could be a bad influence with my bad mouth. I WANTED THAT CONTROL, I DESERVED THAT, WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME?!
In the end Chuan Zheng was elected Troop Leader. I did not even get to be Assistant Troop Leader, but it was rather Lap Bann who took the place, which made me even angrier. Bann was my patrol mate, and he had always been the quiet guy in the patrol. I had never seen him as a threat for the fact that I felt I was superior to him in all my achievements. And the fact that someone inferior to me was put a higher authority than me made me furious in my heart. To salvage whatever dignity I had, I volunteered to be a Secretary, which was only inferior to TL and ATL.
I gotta find some way to win. I gotta find some way to say I am greater than ANY OF YOU! I can build my fame out of nothing, you just watch.
I was reassigned to Falcon Patrol. Falcon wasn't exactly in it's best shape. And guess what, LSV is in that patrol. Haha, can you believe it?! A sissy in my patrol isn't exactly going to survive. My desperation to win caused me to treat my patrol members like slaves. I starts to eliminate weaker members by humiliating and scolding them to insignificance until they quit. I wanted things to work MY WAY and no one is to argue about it. I say, you do. And in the end, none of my members could live up to my expectation I began doing all things myself. I was more superior in ability. I exalted myself so high that in fact I could achieve things others couldn't. I starts to feel burdened.
I was keeping the scores of all the inter-patrol competition didn't I? Well, being last place didn't really please me. And then the secret point system was introduced to promote badge works and logbooks. In order to work behind others' back, I set my patrol to pursue secret points but I didn't keep the scores, so I could do nothing to alter it. I only had to alter the inter-patrol competition score. I betrayed my scout promise and disobeyed my scout laws because I wanted to win so badly. I emerged a winner by the end of the year, but it wasn't exactly glorifying. Years after when I look at myself, that was how ugly I was.
To prove that I'm still in charge and in control, I constantly step over the line. I overpowered Chuan Zheng. I challenged his authority on purpose and my stronger character successfully won the support of the troop from Chuan Zheng. Many boys would rather obey me because I was firmer in my command and was more popular. That, wasn't exactly the right thing to do. But I loved it.
The effect of my authoritative leadership did not just end at the end of my Boy Scout "career", it only got much worse. This time, it really hurt Chuan Zheng's pride. His lack of authoritative voice as a Troop Leader caused him not elected as a Patrol Leader as we move up to Senior Scout (Only 4 positions). To salvage his dignity, he was offered Asst. Patrol Leader, under me and also elected Senior Troop Leader. This time I let it happened. Perhaps a little conscience sparked in me as we developed friendships among the Patrol Leaders over the years.
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There are more to the story, after all, it's the story of my evil idol worshipping side of my life so far. I emphasize on the things I've hold so dearly and put the means of pursue it in as bare as it is, as evil as it is, but my love and friendship for you are true, those who were mentioned. After all, how can I find the significance of my existence if I do not look into places like these? But I wish I had met Jesus and realize how blinded I was.
The thing is, knowing Jesus did not really get the counterfeit gods out of my life, but it stayed there and hid itself well. I was too blinded to know.
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