Beware, It's Gonna Hurt!

Today, I spoke to a friend about building relationships as a Christian. I said that God calls us to be genuine relationship builders, as Jesus Christ is the Relationship Builder between us and God. To do that, it means to courageously open us ourselves and to be mentally vulnerable. That also mean that we will be vulnerable to hurts, betrayal and disappointment.

As I chose to follow Jesus, one thing that really makes it hard for me, is to lovingly allow others to act upon their wills, even if it means going against my will. Growing up as a dominant leader, it frustrates and enrages me when my will is denied or my orders are disobeyed. Honestly speaking, I despise people who "puts his hands to the plow and look back". I despise people who pulls out last minute simply because it was inconvenient for them.

To these, I feel hurt and betrayed. More often than not, I respond with rage and anger.

But this is what it means to be vulnerable, that we may build genuine relationships with people. Jesus Himself went through the same, or perhaps more intensive hurt and betrayal. He knew from the very beginning that it would be His closest and most trusted friend would betray Him to the hands of the Pharisees. He knew from the very beginning, that it would be His own people that will hand Him over to the cross. He knew and even prophesied that Peter, His trusted, most faithful disciple will deny Him three times before the rooster crows.

And yet He remain vulnerable, even to the death.

And when they had sung a hymn, they went out to the Mount of Olives. And Jesus said to them, “You will all fall away, for it is written, ‘I will strike the shepherd, and the sheep will be scattered.’ But after I am raised up, I will go before you to Galilee.” Peter said to him, “Even though they all fall away, I will not.” And Jesus said to him, “Truly, I tell you, this very night, before the rooster crows twice, you will deny me three times.” But he said emphatically, “If I must die with you, I will not deny you.” And they all said the same. 

Mark 14:26-31

The problem I had with this is the fact that Jesus is God, and had all the power to make all man turns to Him, yet He chose to let His supposed subjects to freely choose for themselves. I have problem with that. I have a problem with that because it allows men to act irresponsibly and unfaithfully; it allows men to betray and abandon. I despise exactly this sort of person.

But, that, is exactly the love of God for us. He made Himself open for disappointment, betrayal and disrespect when He lovingly gave us freedom. That is exactly the kind of love that I would need to embrace and develop.

Today, I feel angry and betrayed. I toiled and work hard to create space and opportunities for people to encounter God, and yet they stroke them out of my hand. But as I reflect back, I realised my anger rises from the fact that I am selfish. I think myself so important that people has the obligation to do things the way I expect them to. 

I would vent my anger by scolding them and pressuring them to come, but what's the point? If the people come to what I have prepared for them unwillingly, they are not enjoying God, they are fearing me. I want them to love God, not fear me. I toil because I love God and because I wish others would love Him the same. I don't toil so that my deep desire to be worshiped and pamper may be fulfilled in the fearful obedience of others. I wish to see that people come to God genuinely because they are so desperately in love with Him, that they would abandon all else to worship Him.

I must keep in mind the Reason that I toil. But I cannot deny the fact that I am angry and I have no where to cry to. I feel the pain inside that no punching bag can satisfy. I have to be completely honest that I am angry and sorrowful. But I do not intend to blame it on anybody, it's not their fault. I genuinely don't blame them. In fact I really love them. I want them to enjoy the best thing God has in store for them. But I am angry because my selfish desire is denied.

I would perhaps continue to feel angry, I cannot fight what is in my fallen soul and flesh. But I am joyful in my spirit, because I know I can find true satisfaction in Him, even when I am vulnerable and hurtful. As John Piper wrote: "God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him." As I worship Him I continues to hear Him asking: "Even if I give you less than what you expect your effort would return, will you still trust Me?" "Yes Lord, I will. But would you take this pain away?" "My grace, is sufficient for you!"

Beware, it's gonna hurt, but it will be okay because God Himself is sufficient.

God's Character, My Encounter.