Self-blinded

Proud, arrogant, self-centered and a narcissist. I care too much about what others think of me. Really. Because if I don't, I wouldn't have to do so much to prove my own identity. 

Uncle Jacky had it right today. I'm one of those who seek my own identity in others, hence I try so hard to prove my self-worth. 

A part of me struggle so hard to get to God and a bigger part of me tries to jeopardize it. Worse still I'm trying to reach God the wrong way. 

I thought serving CF would help me grow spiritually. After all, it's CF. It's God's work, I couldn't have fall far right? But weeks after weeks of serving I'm just so weak. Joy turns into sorrow; distance draws miles apart from Him. It's so weird when serving God doesn't seem to draw me closer to Him.

I'm asked to empty myself and examine myself, what am I willing to lose to draw near to Him? I thought to myself, "No, I don't think you understand the position I'm in in CF. I'm in a position doing a lot of things, a lot of others are depending on me. If I would let them go, resign from it would cause all things to go haywire, causing plans to fail. What would others say? That I am irresponsible, trouble-maker, selfish? You don't understand!" 

Before even I could put that to words, he said something that struck me hard enough, "Don't look at the situation right now with your own eyes. Remember we were saying these things you thought you could do to reach Him are exactly the things that filled up the room and He can't get through to you? You are clouded by these things because to you, these things are too huge in front of you, you can't see God. What are these things to God? To His infinite eyes, what are these? These are NOTHING compared to Him. To Him you are like an ant trying to hold on to a piece of rice. What is the battle between Israel and Palestine for that piece of land? To Him it's like two ants fighting for a piece of rice. Even to human if we see two ants fighting we would say, 'What is there to fight? Here's another piece of rice, what is there to fight?'"

I went just speechless. I've been seeing these thing like they are bigger and more precious than God Himself to pursue. Even as I was looking at my mind map I drew to picture the kinda situation I'm in right now, my eyes is focused on the word "CF" rather than "GOD" that is written at the bottom of "Me", barred by a wall filled with things I'm holding on to. 

I got it all wrong. I'm looking at them the wrong way. But I just can't seems to take my eyes off these problems. So I took up the paper, I folded the part of "those things". To my shock, it was that easy, there was nothing left between "Me" and "GOD", and both are nearer. 

"You just found your answer." he said, "But things tend to look easy on the paper, the actual journey may not be easy. What are you willing to lose in pursue of Him? I believe you are coming to an stage of darkness where it's time for you to once again lose your identity, in a darkness where there is a lot of pain and you finally need to draw strength from Him alone. At the end of the journey, you will find unbelievable intimacy with Him, where you won't come to Him because of some problem anymore but sole because of Him and His pursuit. It will be a painful journey, but in the end, with nothing binding and holding you back from God, there will be joy filled in you heart."

The conversation further taking us down Uncle Jacky own experiences of darkness and journey of desert with the Lord. He encouraged me to take on such journey, otherwise I can't grow. 

The conversation actually took place in two different days in two different weeks. But my action remain these same throughout the conversation, face covered by hands in shame and frustration. Truth be told I didn't like the conversation at all. These are things I don't wish to face after these long time. Now I'm confronted by them, for once I felt helpless and clueless to do anything. What can I do? How would I take it? 

Nevertheless, I know this is necessary. I asked God to change me and raise me to be fit as His servant for preaching, and He answered. And I actually asked Him to go harsh with me if necessary. Voila. 

A journey of desert, I pray I don't have to go through it. But tomorrow morning, I'm on a journey o solitude with Him. I'm gonna venture on foot without map to a place I'm not so familiar. Along the journey, I wish to experience time of intimacy with Him through insecurity and discomfort. 

I don't know where this journey of darkness would take me, but I want to emerge out of this saying, "It's okay if I lose myself, it's just myself."