Long Lost Passion

The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader was really like a wake up call. Seeing how they venture into Dark Island to save those lost souls, I questioned myself:" How far would I venture into the darkness of this world and light it up? How much do I trust You in doing so?"

Apparently, I lost that confidence in You, mainly because I lost that confidence in myself. I lost that belief that I'm capable of doing many thing with You. I lost that belief that I can actually make a slight difference. So I fell away, let You down, and broke every single promise that I could barely hold on to. I felt unworthy, I felt I have not done enough to please You, and I find it so so hard to do so, so then I gave up.

But You. Grace, is outrageously amazing. I could hardly imagine, I could hardly explain it. Undeserved, You patiently awaits me to return, patiently draws me back, cause You'll never let go. Nothing will separate me from Your love and Your grace. Romans 8:38-39 I'm so ashamed, yet I'm so grateful. That I need not to squeeze every bit of me to earn that grace, for if I have to, it isn't.

Father, I beg Your pardon, I beg Your forgiveness. Your humble servant is here. I'm weak and poor, use them for Your glory, turn them into my strength. I wanna go out there and bring these lost soul back because I can't bear to see them walk the pain I went through. I love them, help me to love them. I wanna be brave and courageous, to do things I'm afraid to. As much as I try to grow into my father, help me to grow into more and more like You.

I'm confused, to live in such a world. I find it hard to juggle between serving You and serving the world. Living in the world but not of the world couldn't be any easier than I thought. But I struggle to keep my conscience clear. I guess I would just obey and trust You. Father, I'm struggling to get a job. I don't wanna defile Your Name nor my conscience, so I choose another inconvenient route, and to trust You that You'll give me a better one. My Father knows what I need and what's best for me.

I thank You and praise You for every blessings and every person that is in my life. They define who am I today. Most importantly, You define my history and my future. I lay them into Your hands, and I choose to obey.