Sprinting That Extra Meters

Haha, it's a already Day 2 since my 2nd semester started, it's also my 2nd day trying to fulfill my resolution to jog in campus. I had to compromise a little from jogging around the campus to cumulative 1.2km on the jogging track in campus. I feel it's safer to jog without having to avoid cars.

This is how I do my daily jogging. First I will not bring any electronic device, water nor my wallet, and walk all the way to the jogging track. In the mean time, I'll do some stretching. Once on the track, I'll jog 800m, which is 2 rounds of the track, then slow down to a 400m walk to catch my breath. After completing the walk, I'll start to jog for another 400m before heading back to my hostel and call it a day. At the end of each separate jogs, I will sprint for roughly 50m to train my sprinting ability after a long run.

I do this because I realized I'M FAT! I also would like to bring back my stamina to perform better in Ultimate. I don't have the stamina to keep up and all the sprints around the pitch.

So the challenges are these: To keep doing this for a long time. It's only day 2 and I felt reluctant to do it, but God has always been my drive to do it.

Then, to control my breathing while jogging. I often lost control of my breathing, causing my stamina to drain faster and then affect the rest of my game.

But the real challenge is really the end-of-jog sprints. I'm already dead tired after running 2 rounds, can't catch up my breath, my body refuses to do this, but my mind tells me I have to do this. It's really a struggle between mind and the body.

Reminds me of Jesus's teaching about going that extra mile:

"If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles." Matthew 5:41

This isn't exactly easy right? 800m is already hard enough for me, now that I have to go faster to do it. It's like killing every cell of me, just to give someone something they don't deserve.

You know what, the moment I reach the maker and starts sprinting, it hurts every inch of my bones and muscles, but I know I have to do it, and I'm doing it for God empowers me to do. Feel the AWESOME moment when you reach the end of the round. Although having a hard time to breath, I know I did it, and I love it. I want to do it again.

Until I regret making the decision to run another 400m, hahaha!

You know, being able to give is a blessing, but being able to give gracefully is a joy plus blessing!

Mighty Morphing Binding Idols

LOL, a quick update. Just got back at my hostel. It's a start of a new semester. Full-charged, I'm ready to serve God better in USM. One month of semester break had been good to me. I've learnt much about myself, my AWESOME Jesus and what He wants to do with my life and in my life.

Coming back to the story, I might have over-written in my last post, it was *stretching my hands apart* th~is long. Long story short, during all my dreadful life I had been worshiping the counterfeit gods of power, popularity and acceptance. I wanted them so much, I did not realize I would not hesitate to cross the line in the pursuit.

And then, as I moved up to Form 5, I knew I have reached a cap in my scouting "career", my personal counterfeit gods morphed themselves into counterfeit gods of romance. In romance, I had been trying to find my significance. In fact, this idol had been in me for a long time, that I constantly look for a romance that would love me so much and fill up this empty life of mine.

I looked at Abigail and wishing she could filling this part of my life up. As perfect as she was to me, I needed her to be my God. Undeniable, she was beautiful (She still is, don't get me wrong, LOL), having her as my girlfriend would probably complete my life.

You wouldn't imagine how my world shattered when she chose Josaiya over me. I was in deep pain and I was totally lost. This is what exactly would happen if all the hope to complete your life is put on something that has a strong tendency to fail you. I lived in denial and still tries to cling on to her. She was my only hope and salvation.

Even when you have accepted Jesus Christ as your only Lord and Savior doesn't really mean you have gotten rid of idolatry. It doesn't work that way, that is evident in my story. I looked at Abigail as my salvation.

But you wouldn't notice the power of Christ until you're messed up, not until our counterfeit gods fail us, break our world apart. I'm glad Jesus found me in this mess and still willing to pick me up. I'm glad I know Jesus when my world broke apart. If He wasn't there at that moment, I would have ended up drunkard, drug addict or suicidal. Yup, I never told anyone this, I was tempted to do so.

Jesus Christ became my OTHER pursuit. Note He did not become my SOLE pursuit. In pursuit of Him, I went astray and worshiped the god of dominance once again. So how does this happen?

"The reason he wanted to be in Christian ministry [because he was attracted]...to the power of knowing he was right, that he had the truth. His power idol took a sexual form, and then a religious one. It hid itself well." Timothy Keller, Counterfeit Gods pg. 112

This is one example Tim Keller gave that made it obvious to me that I'm addicted "to the power of knowing [I am] right, that [I] had the truth." And with this power I wanted to dominate over those who do not believe. Posing a "holier than thou" attitude, I offended my best friends and often got into serious argument with the intention to win the argument rather than to save their soul. I wanted to defend the only thing that's left to define me right now.

Until I met Uncle Jacky. I'm glad he has the kind of strong character that he's willing to go hard on me and really humbled me. I also want to thank God who gives me a heart open for such harsh chiseling in my character and my faith from Uncle Jacky. The first day meeting Uncle Jacky was probably the time when I lost all the power to defend my stand and I have no where to put my shame.

I was holding my knowledge so high, and when it all comes to meaningless, I went speechless. I thought I know everything. That one question that made me realize I am nothing but a ignorant Christian.

 What makes you think that Christianity is right?

Uncle Jacky had all the questions and statements to corner me into speechlessness. Then, I asked myself, what else do I have left to checkmate when he has all the moves to slowly take away all my pawns and castles?

Uncle Jacky mentioned, unless I breakthrough this, this is as much as I can grow. I went home with the question and finally I had to give up. With a sense of defeat, I humbled and raise it up to Uncle Rodney, my most beloved fatherly mentor. With only one question, CHECKMATE.

 Why do you think Christianity is wrong then?

Can you feel the awesome moment when Jesus raises you up from your defeat and soar with you on eagle's wings? I know I had made a breakthrough when Uncle Jacky told me:" Correct!"

"You don't have to win every argument," he said "The key is humility. It's okay to say 'I don't know' when you don't know. Only remember to say 'I'll come back to you.' and really does."

I realize what has gone wrong, my pride. Something I wouldn't give up.

Jesus had used many people in my life to chisel out everything that stuffs up my heart so that He may have that sole place in me. He wants to be everything of me so much and I'm glad He tries so hard.

I may not be perfect yet, but I know He should be my sole pursuit, my sole Savior, my only Lord. I shall not serve any other Master than Him. I may still hold on to things, but Jesus, if You are willing, regardless of the pain, get them out of my life.

I want to thank You for being in my life. I wouldn't have found my significance if You hadn't found me. In You who will never fail, nor cast a shifting shadow, I put my hope that it will NEVER shatter. In You I find my salvation, You are my sole pursuit. Thank You for put me out naked and shame me with Your awesome grace and mercy.

Jesus, You are AWESOME!

Countering Counterfeit Gods

So, if you have noticed on my Facebook Timeline (I'm not asking you to stalk me though.), I've been sharing quotes from this book titled Counterfeit Gods written by Timothy Keller. So much so one of my friend, "unfriend" me because "too much religion on your wall, have to delete you, bye my friend. =)" LOL

This one-month semester break had been good to me. Despite reversed biological clock, where I sleep at 4am, wakes up at 12pm, there's so much I've learn over the time. Boy-girl relationships, marriage, sex, lust, law of attraction, fate, predestination and idolatry. But perhaps the best I've learnt so far, is fundamentally idolatry.

It seems idolatry has been the root of all sin. Ever wonder why the first commandment from God deals with idolatry? It was obviously the most fundamental sin of all, and if it's not dealt properly, even the most faithful servant of God may fall short. It was idolatry that caused Adam and Eve to have desired the fruit of knowledge of good and evil. It was idolatry that caused this world spins around crazily.

But today I'm not gonna judge anyone else but myself, although I have. After finish reading this book, I started to wonder who is the first person who really should read this book, and then I realized, I can't decide the priority, because EVERYONE NEEDS TO DEAL WITH IDOLATRY.

The second thing that rose on my mind was, which counterfeit god has done what damage to which stage of my life, and then it all made sense to me. I was nonetheless an idol worshipper from day 1 to now.

I don't have to mention much, toys were my idols during kindergarten, I always have wanted some toys my parents couldn't afford, so badly.

But it was from primary school that my counterfeit gods start to take over my life. My talents in absorbing knowledge was tremendously well, I actually scored full marks for all my paper in Standard 1. That was the first time I tasted Praise, Significance and Success, and I love it. But I gotta stay on top, otherwise everything will be in ruin. Being positioned into elite class, I realized competition just got harder, but I still want to be notice. I wanted everyone to know who is Mock Kar Wai and how popular his is, or...I am.

Popularity isn't the only thing I want so badly, I wanted approval and significance before my parents and my family. Rising academically excellent gives me the approval and significance. I wanted praises, I wanted love, for the beginning of my Standard 2, I was morally upright. My family loves me because I had been the good son in the family, and I love being noticed.

You really looked cool and funny when you can swear vulgarity. Being a morally upright in school doesn't grant you popularity, so I started swearing to be noticed. You can't imagine how vulgar I was in school. And then when I get home, I'm totally another person. I remain bright and active, but my mother had no idea, how bad my mouth is in school until one day my teacher caught me swearing and gave us writing penalty.

I still gotta stay on top academically, and my talent gives me that edge. Then, I grew proud. I catch things fast, so I was given special immunity to sleep in tuition classes and everyone, including teacher think I'm the top student, which in fact I was, but I think I'm God in the tuition class.

I've got the talent to sing, and it puts me on stage where everyone sees me. I love being noticed. I didn't care I was only getting 5th place or best 4th place, as long as I get a prize and everyone sees me. I had been in that competition for all 6 years. But standard 5 was the year I felt most threatened. LSV, a new guy came to my class. A cute, gentle boy with an awesome voice. His presence in my class threatened me and when I did not get a prize for Standard 5, my anger burnt against him. I want to give him a misery of his life. I started disturbing him, bullying him and teasing him. His mum repeatedly came and warned me not to bully his son, but it only motivates me to tease him more as a "mama's boy" (LOL I wasn't much of a difference as a mama's boy). Until it get serious, I hid his dictionary, which the loss of dictionary would have cost him serious punishment from teacher, and I liked the idea. But, a little devil of justice found out and reported it to teacher. I was humiliated terribly I cried like mama's boy. I hated LSV even more.

My high academic achievement gives me what I want. Popularity, significance and pride. I had always thought I'm a straight A student, no doubt and no one doubted. 6A1B in UPSR gave me a shock of my life, I was completely defeated, I felt like a failure and I hated the disappointment on my mother's face. I did not mention the love for my mother became absolute and it had been pushing me to excel academically. It became my pursuit and I would do ANYTHING to pursue it.

~~

I had been like a popular guy in primary school, but with a heart of defeat I entered secondary school. I had to build everything from the start. I need to be notice, and I want to reclaim the glory I've lost in UPSR. This time, I don't only aim for straight A, I want people to bow down and obey me. I wanted control!

"The hierarchy in scout movement would definitely gives me power." I thought to myself. But, I'm only Form 1 and power doesn't come in a day. I first need to build my reputation and impression. I became active in 10th KL. It gave me a purpose to wake up early on a Saturday morning and miss all the cartoon shows on NTV7.

Power, is something I pursued so badly, I submitted myself to pain and humiliation. I needed to be accepted, I needed to be approved and popular. Then, I began telling obscenity, something a growing up kid would like to hear. Making people laugh at dirty jokes had always been something that I thought could give me that popularity. Beside, I start working and striving hard at things so that I stand up among many scouts, doing things and achieving things that other cannot achieve. I thought, being superior in abilities, talents and athletic attributes would grant me power over others. I set my eyes upon the Troop Leader position, the highest that I can achieve as a Boy Scout.

I couldn't believe that everything I've done that I thought would put me at the top is the very thing that fails me. It was a democratic election for the Troop Leader position. I was so angry when the rest of the Patrol Leaders mentioned that I'm not fit to be a TL for the fact that I could be a bad influence with my bad mouth. I WANTED THAT CONTROL, I DESERVED THAT, WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME?!

In the end Chuan Zheng was elected Troop Leader. I did not even get to be Assistant Troop Leader, but it was rather Lap Bann who took the place, which made me even angrier. Bann was my patrol mate, and he had always been the quiet guy in the patrol. I had never seen him as a threat for the fact that I felt I was superior to him in all my achievements. And the fact that someone inferior to me was put a higher authority than me made me furious in my heart. To salvage whatever dignity I had, I volunteered to be a Secretary, which was only inferior to TL and ATL.

I gotta find some way to win. I gotta find some way to say I am greater than ANY OF YOU! I can build my fame out of nothing, you just watch.

I was reassigned to Falcon Patrol. Falcon wasn't exactly in it's best shape. And guess what, LSV is in that patrol. Haha, can you believe it?! A sissy in my patrol isn't exactly going to survive. My desperation to win caused me to treat my patrol members like slaves. I starts to eliminate weaker members by humiliating and scolding them to insignificance until they quit. I wanted things to work MY WAY and no one is to argue about it. I say, you do. And in the end, none of my members could live up to my expectation I began doing all things myself. I was more superior in ability. I exalted myself so high that in fact I could achieve things others couldn't. I starts to feel burdened.

I was keeping the scores of all the inter-patrol competition didn't I? Well, being last place didn't really please me. And then the secret point system was introduced to promote badge works and logbooks. In order to work behind others' back, I set my patrol to pursue secret points but I didn't keep the scores, so I could do nothing to alter it. I only had to alter the inter-patrol competition score. I betrayed my scout promise and disobeyed my scout laws because I wanted to win so badly. I emerged a winner by the end of the year, but it wasn't exactly glorifying. Years after when I look at myself, that was how ugly I was.

To prove that I'm still in charge and in control, I constantly step over the line. I overpowered Chuan Zheng. I challenged his authority on purpose and my stronger character successfully won the support of the troop from Chuan Zheng. Many boys would rather obey me because I was firmer in my command and was more popular. That, wasn't exactly the right thing to do. But I loved it.

The effect of my authoritative leadership did not just end at the end of my Boy Scout "career", it only got much worse. This time, it really hurt Chuan Zheng's pride. His lack of authoritative voice as a Troop Leader caused him not elected as a Patrol Leader as we move up to Senior Scout (Only 4 positions). To salvage his dignity, he was offered Asst. Patrol Leader, under me and also elected Senior Troop Leader. This time I let it happened. Perhaps a little conscience sparked in me as we developed friendships among the Patrol Leaders over the years.

~~~
There are more to the story, after all, it's the story of my evil idol worshipping side of my life so far. I emphasize on the things I've hold so dearly and put the means of pursue it in as bare as it is, as evil as it is, but my love and friendship for you are true, those who were mentioned. After all, how can I find the significance of my existence if I do not look into places like these? But I wish I had met Jesus and realize how blinded I was.

The thing is, knowing Jesus did not really get the counterfeit gods out of my life, but it stayed there and hid itself well. I was too blinded to know.

Prayer For You

Oh whao, it's already February. Time flies when you're older, hehe, without realising, I'm old enough to say I'm old.


I'm all stuck in the middle right now. Seeing what people have, seeing what people do, I'm not one exception that do not desire for something.


But I'm struggling, you know. I do not know what I want. My desire and my conscience are at constant fight, I'm soon gonna lose my sanity. I lost the will to fight, I lost the strength to hide. Tired, defeated.


I realised I have nothing but.......

Alright screw this! Emotions always got the better of me at this late hour.....

You know Lord? I always wanted a partner, You know that well. But Lord, it is You whom I want to give the honor. I know that You already have that special one for me, and I know when that comes I cannot run away, I won't run away.

Lord, one thing I ask, You know how much I desire someone to fill that hole, I would be really happy if I have that special someone now, but if it's gonna destroy me and pull me away from You, as much as I don't like it, please, keep it away from me. You are far more precious than that foolish desire of mine.

Lord, I pray for that special someone, I do not know who, I have someone in mind but I ask if she's the one. I do not care, I just submit this very desire to You and let You decide. Father I pray for that special someone whom You will bring us together some time in the future, keep her safe, keep her healthy. Keep her walking with You, because if she doesn't walk right with You, I don't see if we can walk right together. Father would You give her wisdom and understanding, to be able to live more and more godly as a woman, that woman whom I will honor and love. Father, would You give her a heart of compassion and kindness, as she sees children, will care for them with love, give me a heart of empathy to care of people around us? Father, would You guide our steps, in every step we walk, we walk in holiness and godliness? Father, would You keep us clean and pure in everything that we do, that our marriage may honor and glorify You who are exalted Highest in Heaven?

Father, teach me to obey and to trust, in this struggle between my faith and desire, I cling onto Jesus who is my sole Savior and Lord, the only One that fill my heart and life. I choose to wait upon You, and I choose to wait for You. Father I pray that You'll be the center of my life, even if You demands me to give up my life, my wife, my children, my family, my money, my reputation and my everything. Father I pray that You'll be my sole God, You'll discipline me when necessary. You'll chisel out every piece of counterfeit idols in my life and replace it with You. Be my everything! Be my only Thing.

Father burn me in love and passion for You. You who saved me out of my pride and self-destruction, will be my only pursuit and strife. My Greatest Friend in my life.

In Jesus' Awesome Name that I pray, Amen!

Pick Me Up Piece by Piece Will Ya?!

I forgot how much God loves me, and I forgot how God changed me, and now I'm all broken.

I Forgot.....Romance

My heart just grew so cold, I can hardly feel love. I forgot.....Romance.

The Unreasonable Jesus

Sometimes I feel Jesus must had been out of His mind.

Luke 6:27-31

 “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you."

I mean, come on! If someone takes my coat, I would grab it back and give him a handcuff to the police station. Anyone asks from me, I would ask why. If anyone takes what belongs to me, I'll demand it back in time. IF SOMEONE SLAPS ME ON ONE CHEEK, quoting Mrs. Ramani:" You won't know what came like a tornado, what slapped you, what landed here, all you know was 'O, Ramani was here!'"

This is just so outrageously unreasonable.

But, that's just Jesus right? This awesome Guy simply prayed for those who dragged Him towards the cross, the same guys who whipped Him and spitted at Him.

Crazy Jesus, what have I done that deserve Your prayers for me? What have I done that deserve Your immeasurable, unreasonable love for me? What have I done to be so blessed to have been found by You?

My Lord God Jesus, for this, empower me to love my enemies. I want to be like You.

In Jesus Name I pray, Amen!