Awe-gust

Let's take a pause from updating my terribly delayed update on my  Mission Trip to Kaki Bukit nearly 2 months ago. I really think I should do some justice to August because I have procrastinated much in July and it's just not fair to have August suffer for it.

Much like updates from months before, this is a season of the ordinary. Ordinary life, ordinary routine and ordinary passion. Ordinary is bad news for me. Really bad news.

1. Battling Restlessness

I can't shake off that self-centered egoistic thinking that I am made for something of a BOOM! That's why ordinary is bad news for me. I can't settle with the ordinary. It makes me restless.With the recent change in my company: restructuring and ownership transfer, I became even more restless. 

When I read about restlessness as a temptation in the secular working world, I didn't understand. Now I do. There are voices constantly telling me to change jobs and to jump the ship every two years or I'll be left behind. I can't stop thinking about what better things I may have if I would just go somewhere else. I don't want to remain ordinary. In short, I don't want to be where God wants me to be.

The struggle is real, and it is a constant battle against my selfish desire and forgetfulness. I call such idea and restlessness selfish because the only reason why I don't want to be where I am is myself. I want a better salary for myself. I want to be higher earning than anyone else. I want to build a comfortable "kingdom" for myself. I want to be self-sufficient and independent of anyone else but myself.

It is also a battle against forgetfulness because to be restless is to forget God. I forget that God is good and He cares for me. I forget that God is able to provide for me. I forget that God has a plan for me when He places me where I am today. I forget that God provides just enough for me so that I may continue to rely on Him.

~~~

When my uncle came to me to offer his business at RM 1,000,000, for a moment I was thrown into confusion (I didn't know how much he wanted to sell it until later). It presented to me as an opportunity to move out of where I am and launch me into the business world that can potentially make more money than I can today. But there is also much to give up: my 4 years of passion and hard work (hehe, actually not that hard) in Manufacturing Engineering will be thrown away. My 11 month of experience in the Manufacturing sector will be in vain too because the industry generally nullify any fresh experience that is less than 2 years. Sacrificing my active involvement in the church and mission because I may have to devote my time and effort (being in my best time of serving as a young, single guy with no commitment whatsoever) in running the business for at least 5 years. Leaving behind the friendship and life that I have built so far in Penang. And more importantly, I will be venturing into a business culture that is based on Buddhism and superstitious beliefs.

Hang out with mission team from California

To give it context, the business I was offered is a vegetarian food manufacturing plant where most, if not all, of their customers are Buddhists. The business relationships are often based on common superstitious practices that can challenge me as Christian. I was advised by my uncle to consult a fortune-teller to look into my future, to see if I am fitting to be running a business.

My answer is a solid "No". Both to fortune-telling and to the business offer. It's not because I am afraid how fortune-telling can cause me to lose faith. My faith in Christ will not be shaken by petty things like these. But it is a NO to make a stand and a loud proclamation that my life and future is in God's hand, and I entrust Him my life. Be it suffering or comfort, fortune or poverty, my life since the day of my conversion has been to live for the glory of God.

No to the business because after much pondering and reflection, my only motive of wanting a business is to enrich myself, and none of that God. Even if I can say that I can make a great impact being a businessman and reaching out to non-believing business partners, they are all but excuses to cover up my selfish greed. And of course, I don't have the support from my parents and the One Million. My parents are still my trusted wisdom and check-and-balance.

~~~

So I have decided to stay. I spent three weeks in fasting and a little bit of prayer. I wouldn't say I am highly spiritual right now, but He opened up my eyes to see all that happened better. A new perspective of where I am now. I am confident, because I am certain that this is where He wants me to be right now.

2. Processing Rejection

I thought it is pretty much about time to really put this into words. I've been finding the courage to deal with all that I felt and to express all that hurt. The pain finally dulls and I can find a closure when I finally put them into words.

I have no regret to be honest, but a whole bunch of rejection to deal with. I was being careful because getting to know a girl that I fancy isn't easy. I may be all big in words and have no problem speaking with strangers at all, but I fluster at the sight of that one girl who can throw me off. For months, distance kept me away, both physically and between our hearts. Maybe I have not done enough, but I'm not exactly a very romantic guy. It's mostly just saying hi and asking how she has been, trying to keep things casual between us while trying to get to know her over the net. We never got any further than text and stopped right before phone calls. Perhaps because I could never find that courage to pick up the phone.

I asked her out for a date, or more like a movie, after much hesitation. She gently but firmly declined. For which I am thankful for such the grace she had offered me. Giving me a firm answer spared me much pain. But rejection still has a way to beat me down.

At such time I felt unwanted and rejected. I experienced doubt, wondering if anyone can ever accept me and love me. I wondered if I am ever going to find someone who would walk this life with me.

I thank God for friends. Gabriel and Caroline have always been my listening ears in such time of pain. They were also my source of joy and company that helped me to forget the pain once in a while. I thank God Himself, who has given me such joyful life despite being single. He has shown me that I can do so much more with Him than to be in a aimless pursuit of a lover.

Me, Gabriel, Caroline and Karen

~~~

I guess these two items are enough. If you are reading this, I thank you because part of the reason of writing this is to share with you. I must end this post with the Scripture that reassured me that God provides enough for us so that we can be a lot strong by relying on Him.

The Lord said to Moses, “I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites. Tell them, ‘At twilight you will eat meat, and in the morning you will be filled with bread. Then you will know that I am the Lord your God.’” That evening quail came and covered the camp, and in the morning there was a layer of dew around the camp. When the dew was gone, thin flakes like frost on the ground appeared on the desert floor. When the Israelites saw it, they said to each other, “What is it?” For they did not know what it was. Moses said to them, “It is the bread the Lord has given you to eat. This is what the Lord has commanded: ‘Everyone is to gather as much as they need. Take an omer for each person you have in your tent.’” The Israelites did as they were told; some gathered much, some little. And when they measured it by the omer, the one who gathered much did not have too much, and the one who gathered little did not have too little. Everyone had gathered just as much as they needed. 

Exodus 16:11-18

I will gather just as much as I need, then I will know that LORD, You are my God!

God's Character, My Encounter.