Sorry to Disappoint

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You know what I'm really afraid of? Disappointing people. But it seems that I am really good at it. Or at least, I feel like I have disappointed so many people that I care about all the time.

I'm really afraid of disappointing my parents. Tonight, my mind is constantly spinning thinking if I have missed anything in preparation for their arrival this coming weekend. It's been about 7 months away from home, and this is my parent's first visit to me. I hate to make them worry about me, so I really need to let them know that I can really make it on my own here.

But still I am worried. Managing my finances is never really my forte. Again, for the month of May I have again exceeded my intended budget. And here I thought I could spare some allowance to bring my parents for a good meal to celebrate Parents' Day. I missed celebrating Mother's Day with my mother and instead, spent my Mother's Day sobbing in tears and missing home.

It just feels so lonely at times. I'm struggling to deal with my complete lack of faith with no one to talk to, and yet people seems to dismiss my (unreasonable) worry as (baseless) whining. Why? Because to be honest, I am doing a lot better than many people. So, I'm supposed to suck it all up. Maybe I really picked the wrong people to complain to.

Sorry to disappoint. This is really who I am: a complete-lack-of-faith Christian struggling to REMEMBER that God provides. It's not that I don't know, but I just do what I do. I just wish I could stop worrying. I wish I could stop letting these petty realities of life continue to fill up my topics and blog posts. I wish I could continue to write things about trusting God and let Him take the wheel.

I'm not saying that God stopped being God in my life. In many ways, and many times, God continued to show His faithfulness. I see that repetitively in all my journals and writings. He has never once left me on my own. He is always good and faithful. It is a testimony that I willingly testify.

But I am also weak, as much as I avoid displaying them. And I wish there's just someone who would listen and simply pray for me and walk with me. And yet, none seems to see the path that I am taking.

Sorry to disappoint. I wish I could be stronger.

But if I am strong, why do I need Christ for?

God's Character, My Encounter.

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