Day 0: I'm Not Ready

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7 July 2013, Day 0, Home at KL

I thought the hardest part of the mission trip was to take the leap of faith, but the truth is, preparing my heart and keep it holy for the mission is the hardest.

When Sue Min called me up for this mission, the first challenge was to raise the required trip expenditure. RM4500 is a huge amount for a student on study loan like me. But knowing God and all He has done in my life for the past 5 years, I know in my heart well, that He will have His way and His plan for me. So I told myself, I have nothing to lose really. After all, I would need to pass a round of consideration by FES staff first. If God doesn't want me to go for this, I asked God to close that door, in fact, a huge part of me wished that God would close this door for good, it would have save me a lot of trouble and I would be able to enjoy my 2 month semester break comfortably at home. If God wants me on this, I guess I will have no way to run and I know well, He will provide. Money, will be the least of my worry. So I asked God to provide.

And voila, He did. I would not take any credit for anything I have not done, all that I do was to thicken up my skin to send out letters (all done electronically). I feel blessed to know that I am surrounded with friends that have the same mind for the Gospel. Without much hesitation, they gave out of a sincere heart to serve and out of their own hard-earned money.

I couldn't help but mention my first sponsor, an exchange student from Korea. I met him for less than 2 days. No doubt we spent some meaningful time together while he's here at my campus for vacation. He's not even a student from my campus. But yet, he did not hold back but insisted that I should take his offer. At the time, I haven't even pass the consideration and I insisted that he have no obligation to sponsor me. And yet he did.

The team set a target that each should do our best to raise RM4000. It was exam period so I told myself that I would continue the fund raising after exam. It's only about RM350 to team target and RM850 to my intended target. Then, while I already put fund raising behind my mind (in fact, my bad, I didn't even pray about it), God never cease to provide. An old friend, who's in UK, kept this matter in his heart and gave even while struggling abroad in studies.

I praise God, for not only that He provided, but He has provided more than what I would ask from Him. He has proven Him that He's ever faithful and worth of praise.

On the contrary, I wonder why would God choose an unworthy man like me. Well, the two weeks before the trip would be a crucial time for me to pray and to meditate on His Word, that I may be prepared for the mission. But sin had not fail to cripple me and to render me ineffective spiritually. I want to be honest, because I refuse to be hypocritical of who I really am. The more I want to fight it, the more I realise I'm powerless against sin. I became fearful of what is to come, and honestly, I don't think I'm ready fit for the mission.

But from lessons learn from my previous missions, this has been an inevitable trend. It is really my nature to be lazy and ignorant. Yet, God never fail in my unfaithfulness. In every mission, it's always Him who do the work, and even though I'm physically there, I'm merely there to witness His wonder and His miracles, all the time.

Tomorrow, will be the start of STOMP Timor Leste. I fear what's going to come but I know, it's not me, but God who will work through this mission, and even though I am unfaithful, He will remain faithful. To God be the glory.


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