Fragile - Handle With Care

My last post was on the 22 July, a very short one. Marched aimlessly for one month, in 6 more days is gonna be 10th KL Annual Campfire again. Tried so hard to shake off my part in this thing, but it seems when I swore to commit myself into serving 10th KL, there's no turning back for me.

The only thing that held me on so far, is the brotherhood that keeps me coming back. Yet, it is the same brotherhood that fails me. I've put myself so far and so importantly, that whether people calls the year 2004 batch (the year I joined), they call it Kar Wai's batch. For certain people, well at least for me 2 years ago, it's a great pride. But pride always comes with a price, it starts to burden me.

I'm not a person to give up, but I gave up on man. I gave up hope, faith and trust on fragile man like myself, who never fail to disappoint me. Or maybe it's just me, who wants control and want it my way.

God, I have a confession to make, I'm not the perfect leader that You're looking for, at the same time, I'm not a good follower. Pride takes me to another level of pride. Unless one has impressed me and earned my respect, no one tells me to do anything. I tell you what to do.

I thank God for all the abilities that He gave me, being so able to get things under (my) control, gather talents and people, success in carrying out things seem impossible to most of the rest. But, it is the same abilities that starts to burden me as people starts to put on jobs to me.

I'm tired, seriously. To an extend I asked God to take me home. My heart contradicts as my task on Earth is not done and I keep procrastinates. I want rest, not sitting at home and chill out, but the rest in Christ's arms and listening to His gentle voices.

I'm too tired to think, or maybe I'm afraid to think about my future. So subconsciously, I choose to ignore. Whenever people ask me about my future career plan, I hate it! Tell you what, I hate it because I'm giving "politically right" answer which I've practiced over, over and over again in front my mirror. I hate it because I, who claims to be fearless, fear.

Who would ever comfort? Who would ever appreciate everything that I've given? Who would ever stop to care? Unless I take the initiative, no one.

Initiatives is what I possess, especially towards things that I'm passionate about. But that's exactly what makes people take me for granted. Don't I deserve to be appreciated in anyway?

As I'm writing this, reflection comes along. As far as I'm a man as fragile as anyone is, I'm selfish. I want recognition as much as I wanted in my previous life. God said:"The greatest among you will be your servant" [Matthew 23:11] I want reward, and appreciation, no one can give.

I'm holding on grudges and I can't let it go. I fear to tell people how much I love them like I used to, I fear to trust people like how much I trusted them, I fear to love people like I used to love. I'm hurt, and I don't want to be disappointed, anymore.

So God, when You take me Home, disappoint me not, for You are the only one I trust right now. I'm sorry that I've been weak and have been a hypocrite. Fill me up again.