When God Breaks Your Wall of Pride
1 Conrithians 1:27-29 [27But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 28He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, 29so that no one may boast before him. ]
A month, it's as long as a month that I last did my quiet time. I was so filled with arrogance, self-confidence, I thought I can just go on without spending much of my time with Him.
My life was in a total mess since then, in fact, it was a total mess from the very beginning.
I doubted, therefore my prayers were not answered. I was so arrogant, He couldn't put His eyes on all the shameful things I did.
But He never abandoned me, not even once. Instead, there was always His gentle voice whispering:" Come back my son, talk to Me!"
Yet, I prayed insincerely, as morning prayers was not more than just a daily routine for me. I have to drag myself there, and I found that I started going there not for Lord, but to see her. It's a kind of idolatry I know.
I thought I was strong, in fact, I was completely weak, and vulnerable. Satan never failed to tempt me in anyway he can. This is due to some hurtful events that cut open my armor. My heart was so in pain, that I felt that even He can't help me in anyway. So I left Bible behind, as if I tore off the Divine Armor. I was so weak even to do my quiet time.
My passion had gone, the passion for Him. I was so enthusiastic when I was newly born. I wish the fire is still in me now, that I'll be praising Him and catching up with Him everyday, every moment. All I know was, I'm sleepy, don't bother praying. Prayers still go unanswered, disappointed(It is God who is disappointed, PIG!).
29 July 2008
I was wearing my shoes, felt so reluctant to go to school. There's a pain in my heart, spiritually, and all over my body, physically. All hurtful stuffs kept flashing through my mind, couldn't stop thinking about them.
In my heart, I shouted:"I'm in pain! I'm sad! I'm tired! I'm burdened!" All of sudden, there was a reply:"I can ease your pain my son, comfort you my son, strengthen you my son, and take up your burden my son!" It was gentle and comforting. My "strength" and my pride, the wall that I thought I've strengthen it tough enough to hide my silly self away from Him. Yet, by His gentle voice, it started fraying off.
Psalms 107:15-16 [15give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, 16for he breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron.]
As usual, morning prayer, but this time, with humbleness and guilt, I dragged myself there with sorrows. I knew I was wrong and am sorry for being such a fool, thought that I can go without Him, thought that my Wall of Pride was strong enough.
I was so tired I lied on the bench, beside her, but I could only feel Him. I closed my eyes, resting my mind, the gentle voice kept repeating. "Shout to the LORD, all the Earth, Let us sing! Power of Majesty praise to the King..." I was so overwhelmed, with my eyes closed, with my heart deeply touched, I sang along, sobbing.
I slide down off the bench, I knelt:"Forgive me Lord! For my stupidity Lord, for my foolishness Lord, for being so proud of myself, for not spending my time with You." Tears rolled down my cheeks, I started crying badly. I kept praying, asking for forgiveness, and kept singing. My Wall had been trembled and brought down by a song of praise and worship.
I couldn't stop, I went "Wooooo" and non-stop. I couldn't express, all I know was to cry, to cry my heart out, hoping that my tears will wash all my foolishness, just as how Jesus shed His blood to wash my sins away. She realized I was crying, she tried to comfort me, yet she didn't know how. Glad that she didn't, so I could settle that with God personally.
"Lord, help me Lord! Ease my pain Lord! For the pain comes from the bad things that happened to me Lord! Help me so that I can stand again! Help me that I can forget the pain and what had happened! Draw out the sword that stabbed me hard Lord and heal my wounds O God!"
It was so easy, my Wall of Pride that I thought the foundation is strong, just brought down by His Mighty Love and Grace!
Do not build up the wall, for when the wall is build, you cannot see God.
Do not be proud, for the proud will be humbled to the lowest pit.
Isaiah 2:11
[11 The eyes of the arrogant man will be humbled
and the pride of men brought low; ]
Psalms 75:4
[4 To the arrogant I say, 'Boast no more,'
and to the wicked, 'Do not lift up your horns.
the LORD alone will be exalted in that day.]
Lord, do not leave my side, when I fail miserably!
Psalms 143:7
[7 Answer me quickly, O LORD;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.]
P.s. This test, I failed miserably. I thank God, in Jesus' Name, I passed.
A month, it's as long as a month that I last did my quiet time. I was so filled with arrogance, self-confidence, I thought I can just go on without spending much of my time with Him.
My life was in a total mess since then, in fact, it was a total mess from the very beginning.
I doubted, therefore my prayers were not answered. I was so arrogant, He couldn't put His eyes on all the shameful things I did.
But He never abandoned me, not even once. Instead, there was always His gentle voice whispering:" Come back my son, talk to Me!"
Yet, I prayed insincerely, as morning prayers was not more than just a daily routine for me. I have to drag myself there, and I found that I started going there not for Lord, but to see her. It's a kind of idolatry I know.
I thought I was strong, in fact, I was completely weak, and vulnerable. Satan never failed to tempt me in anyway he can. This is due to some hurtful events that cut open my armor. My heart was so in pain, that I felt that even He can't help me in anyway. So I left Bible behind, as if I tore off the Divine Armor. I was so weak even to do my quiet time.
My passion had gone, the passion for Him. I was so enthusiastic when I was newly born. I wish the fire is still in me now, that I'll be praising Him and catching up with Him everyday, every moment. All I know was, I'm sleepy, don't bother praying. Prayers still go unanswered, disappointed(It is God who is disappointed, PIG!).
29 July 2008
I was wearing my shoes, felt so reluctant to go to school. There's a pain in my heart, spiritually, and all over my body, physically. All hurtful stuffs kept flashing through my mind, couldn't stop thinking about them.
In my heart, I shouted:"I'm in pain! I'm sad! I'm tired! I'm burdened!" All of sudden, there was a reply:"I can ease your pain my son, comfort you my son, strengthen you my son, and take up your burden my son!" It was gentle and comforting. My "strength" and my pride, the wall that I thought I've strengthen it tough enough to hide my silly self away from Him. Yet, by His gentle voice, it started fraying off.
Psalms 107:15-16 [15give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, 16for he breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron.]
As usual, morning prayer, but this time, with humbleness and guilt, I dragged myself there with sorrows. I knew I was wrong and am sorry for being such a fool, thought that I can go without Him, thought that my Wall of Pride was strong enough.
I was so tired I lied on the bench, beside her, but I could only feel Him. I closed my eyes, resting my mind, the gentle voice kept repeating. "Shout to the LORD, all the Earth, Let us sing! Power of Majesty praise to the King..." I was so overwhelmed, with my eyes closed, with my heart deeply touched, I sang along, sobbing.
I slide down off the bench, I knelt:"Forgive me Lord! For my stupidity Lord, for my foolishness Lord, for being so proud of myself, for not spending my time with You." Tears rolled down my cheeks, I started crying badly. I kept praying, asking for forgiveness, and kept singing. My Wall had been trembled and brought down by a song of praise and worship.
I couldn't stop, I went "Wooooo" and non-stop. I couldn't express, all I know was to cry, to cry my heart out, hoping that my tears will wash all my foolishness, just as how Jesus shed His blood to wash my sins away. She realized I was crying, she tried to comfort me, yet she didn't know how. Glad that she didn't, so I could settle that with God personally.
"Lord, help me Lord! Ease my pain Lord! For the pain comes from the bad things that happened to me Lord! Help me so that I can stand again! Help me that I can forget the pain and what had happened! Draw out the sword that stabbed me hard Lord and heal my wounds O God!"
It was so easy, my Wall of Pride that I thought the foundation is strong, just brought down by His Mighty Love and Grace!
Do not build up the wall, for when the wall is build, you cannot see God.
Do not be proud, for the proud will be humbled to the lowest pit.
Isaiah 2:11
[11 The eyes of the arrogant man will be humbled
and the pride of men brought low; ]
Psalms 75:4
[4 To the arrogant I say, 'Boast no more,'
and to the wicked, 'Do not lift up your horns.
the LORD alone will be exalted in that day.]
Lord, do not leave my side, when I fail miserably!
Psalms 143:7
[7 Answer me quickly, O LORD;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.]
P.s. This test, I failed miserably. I thank God, in Jesus' Name, I passed.
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